I stay up late. Sewing or reading or just watching the television. Sometimes I complain about the insomnia but mostly I like it. I like being alone with my thoughts. I like to sew and come up with new ideas. The house seems so fraught with activity when everyone else is awake. It jangles my nerves and sets my mind to wandering into places it ought not to be wandering.
Lately I have come up with a plan. I will move back to New Mexico after an absence of more than twenty years and I will pick up where I left off. I will go into the Photography program at the University and finish my degree. I will find a cute little home for me and the puppies in the student ghetto housing adjacent to the University. I will have breakfast at the Frontier and hang out with my friend Amber.
At least one puppy can go along. Ideally I would take both of them but there is a joint custody issue with a former boyfriend. He takes visitation quite seriously.
I want to go back. I want to do over and do it right. LIve in the moments and not spend all of my time worrying about what will be. I want to be calm and relaxed. I want this more than I can express in simple words.
I want to sew pretty things and have people buy them. I want to take fabulous pictures and have people admire them but mostly I want to take photos that I admire. I want my life to be consumed with the creative. Filled with possibility of creation and alchemy.
I will sit with these feelings for a while. I am a bit manic by nature (and by diagnosis) so I always have to consider my plans with a skeptical and critical eye. Maybe this is just the crazy talking after all.
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