I keep working this concept of explanation over and around in my mind. Worrying it. Like a light will come on and suddenly the words will be perfect and I can make an understandable definition of what goes on inside my head. The truth is that there is no perfect. It is not easy to make sense of. But here goes.
I spend a lot of time inside my head. It's sort of a carnival in there. Replete with rides that go 'round in circles and never reach a destination, games of chance and skill that have very low odds on paying off in the end and some toothless carnies that travel with the show and set up the rides while recovering from last night's bender. The metaphor and similes stretch and strain and labor here. It is a place that seems fun for the first hour or so but loses it's "shiny" rather rapidly. But , the truth is that it is something that is familiar to me. Familiar is so easily equated with comfortable.
I spent a lot of years and a lot of time trying to get rid of the noises in my head. The anxieties and the rapidly cycling moods and emotions. Because I thought that I needed them to be gone. That I needed to erase the program I came with and get myself the same one that everyone else seemed to have. Happy shiny thoughts and no worries. No blues. I dumped a lot of medication down my throat. Pills prescribed by mental health professionals. Liquid in glasses and bottles of all colors and flavors. And sometimes the noises stopped. The buzzing went away. But never for very long.
About six years ago I gave up all of the medications. Prescribed and self-prescribed. All of it. It was difficult in the beginning. But I was convinced that it was the right thing for me. I had allowed everyone else their best shot at fixing me and none of it seemed to stick. In the end I decided that there had to be some way to work around the "problem". To adapt and overcome and move through. And so that is what I have learned to do. Sometimes I am happy, happy, happy and manic. I try to channel all of the energy and forward momentum into something productive and positive. Sometimes I am sad and lethargic and even the thought of conversation is tiring, so tiring. I hibernate. I conserve the energy I have and apply it to the necessary functions. The bare minimum.
This is what works for me. But it can be a bit difficult to explain to the rest of the world. And sometimes I don't want to explain. This is when I disappear. I don't want to have to edit myself. Sometimes I am angry or crabby or blue and it is okay with me. It just is what it is. I know it is temporary. I always know that it is going to pass. There is an ebb and a flow and sometimes it seems stuck in ebb but it will flow.
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